Bane Blog!

Bane Superstar!

2007-02-21T09:58:00.000-05:00

So Bane not around for while. Big deal, chill out pickledick. Bane have awesome new thing coming up! Bane going to appear at New York Comic Con! Two jerk that have show there ask Bane to make video. Bane say "okay, but it not Bane fault when Bane have best thing on show!" Then Bane laugh until jerk hang up phone. Bane LOVE that one!

Show at NY Jedi stage Friday @ 5PM, Saturday @ 11AM, Sunday @11AM. Come over watch Bane video. Then tell every nerd that Bane need TV show! Actually, Bane just want pitch meeting; Bane have bunch of great idea for TV show.

Bane probably not be at Con in person. Bane hate restroom line. Bane need bathroom access all day. Bane have to drain Venom sack often, if reader catch Bane drift.

See you soon!

The Bane of Bane Existence!

2006-12-06T20:58:00.000-05:00

Ugh. Okay, it over.

Look, Bane know Bane not been around in while. Thing is...okay, Bane come out and say it: Bane real hard up for money. So Bane take to road to promote appearance in Infinite Crisis #7. Bane should have gone closer to release date, because no one really care. Bane go from comic book store to comic book store to show people Bane still tough like old leather glove, but no one care! *SIGH*

Bane stuck in Iowa for entire month! Bane run out of money and not able to pay for dinner at little cafe. They turn down Bane credit card too. Bane so mad Bane headbutt rotating pie case and it shatter. So now Bane have to wash dish to pay for dinner AND pie case. Bane wash so many dish, Bane think Bane ACTUAL dish, like in Beauty And Beast! LOL! Not really!

Bane get by at night sleeping in parking lot and eating runoff from grease dumpster. One day Bane manager yell at Bane for eating candle in kitchen (Bane not care, Bane love candle. One time Bane make birthday cake out of birthday candle, and YUM!). Bane get mad, hold manager sideways, and slam door on manager waist. He split in half! Bane then begin walking to home. It took long time. Bane finally back.

Sorry to keep readers waiting. Bane have e-mail to answer, and Bane answer them soon. Right now, Bane still have half bag of Andy Capp fries Bane left in August!

See you soon!

What!?

2006-07-25T11:46:00.000-04:00

Okay, look, Bane flattered people want to dress up like Bane, but come on. If squirrel nuts want copy Bane look, where his rippage? Guy just big boned. Bane muscle have muscle. Those muscle have mask like one Bane wear on face. This guy have sweet costume, but Bane not see bi, tri, delt, pec...Bane not see nothing! Bane train hard with rusty water bucket and old brick in backyard everyday so Bane look hot to death.

Bane find photo from this guy.

See you soon!

Crapman and Robin!

2006-07-12T15:27:00.000-04:00

Bane in Circuit City yesterday so Bane check out tracklisting on new Cannibal Corpse album. Then Bane see copy of Batman & Robin in sale bin on DVD. Bane not know WHY Bane sign off on stupid movie.

When studio get ready for movie, Bane SUPER HOT. Bane everywhere and everybody love Bane. Studio say "Bane, we make you BIG star! Bane villain of new Batman movie!" Bane say YES! and sign for big time pay. Bane say Bane want script approval and want ARNOLD for Bane. Arnold way shredder. Arnold play Bane like Terminator, but way hot with ladies. Studio say okay.

So there big party for movie and Bane get super-hammered on Cosmos. Bane have extra dose of Venom and get loopy. George Cloony walk past Bane, and Bane laugh at TV doctor and say Bane find out if he fix own broken back. But Bane really drunk and just throw up on Clooney. He not happy. Then director say hello and Bane tell him he super-fruity. "Bane smell fruit salad! Who want fruit salad! You gay!" All in all, Bane not make good impression. Icing on cake when Poison Ivy stop by and give screenwriter blowjob! Poison Ivy not even invited! Why she show up and give blowjob? Bane bet Ivy tounge feel like tree root.

So next thing Bane know, script get change and Bane not star bad guy. Bane now lame henchman. PLUS, Arnold now play Mr. Freeze! That SOOOO stupid! Bane bet that Clooney fault. That why Bane still not see Ocean's 11.

First couple day of shoot, Bane not say anything, then Bane come in with script re-write, and producer get mad at Bane for giving re-write to actors! It totally awesome stuff where Bane get cannon for arm and then Poison Ivy give Bane blowjob for whole year! It make Bane super-strong and Bane kill everything ever! Especially Batman! ROAR! Bane help writer make movie not stupid, but Bane told Bane not allowed on lot anymore. Bane get so mad Bane kick two tire off fruit director car. Take that, pickledick!

If Bane help make script change, movie would be awesome. Now it just turd that won't flush. Look at picture up top! Bane look like asshole! And Bane terrible character in story! Bane never shrivel! Bane stay rock-hard ALL DAY! Bane barely get any money from movie, since it not make enough to pay Bane on back-end deal. That why Bane now focus on writing independent feature from now on.

See you soon!

Ha ha, Garfield, it so TOTALLY true!

2006-07-11T13:24:00.000-04:00

-See you soon!

Movie Weekend!

2006-06-22T16:24:00.000-04:00

Hey, what chucklenuts not tell Bane new Garfield movie out?

Bane not aware of film since Bane not get cable and Bane not read newspaper or magazine, since both just propaganda.

Oh man, look at that poster! Two Garfield? Bane not trust Garfield with crown. He look shady. Bane bet that Garfield up to no good, but not fun no good like REAL Garfield. Watch out, Garfield!

Bane remember when first movie come out. Bane sit outside theatre overnight so Bane first one in theatre. It turn out bad though. First, theatre filled with baby! So many baby in theatre Bane get up right before previews and yell to all parent "Keep baby in line so Bane able to enjoy movie, or back meet Bane strong knee!" Someone throw Milk Dud at Bane so Bane pull chair out of floor at throw at back wall. It screw up projector and delay movie 20 minute. When film finally start, Bane keep having to move for stupid kid that have mini-bladder! Bane finally hand kid supersize cup and tell him to pee in cup or Bane hurt his face! THEN, Bane enjoying movie but people keep complaining because Bane laugh too loud, or Bane keep talking back at screen. "Stop yelling 'Watch out Garfield!'" one jerk yell. Bane not find out who was it, but Bane get boot from theatre for being too loud! Such bullshit! Bane want to help Garfield, and Bane get lost in plot! Bane finally see movie on VHS and like it. But Bane bet sequel even better! Sequel always better than original.

See you at movies!

Killer Croc Going To Be Killed Croc!

2006-06-16T16:35:00.000-04:00

Okay, Bane fed up!

Every time Bane think Killer Croc turn corner, not such bad guy anymore, he screw Bane again. Bane sick of it.

The other day Killer Croc come over to see what VHS tape Bane find in trash recently (can someone say Red Dawn? Score one for Bane!), when he tell Bane he have something super cool to sell Bane! Bane not believe him, but then he pull out something crazy: Green Lantern power ring!

Holy crap, Bane not believe it! Actually, Bane NOT believe it. Croc say that because of Infinite Crisis Green Lanterns all confused and lots of rings floating around from dead Green Lantern. It sound convincing enough, plus Bane favorite color green. It bring out sparkle in Bane handsome eye. So Bane pull $75 out of special money hiding place and buy ring. That lot of money for Bane, but Bane think it a steal for something so powerful. Croc take money and then say he forget about meeting with Orca and have to run.

After he leave, Bane try ring on. Bane try making waffle iron with ring, because Bane love waffle. Nothing happen! It turn out to be plastic! Then Bane realize Orca dead, Croc know it plastic! Son of bitch!

Bane not able to find Killer Croc anywhere. Now Bane out $75 and not have any waffle.

Sometime you wake up Garfield, sometime you wake up Nermal.

See you soon.

Civil Bore!

2006-06-15T13:47:00.000-04:00

Bane get e-mail from poopdick name Nate. Nate ask Bane:

Are you with Iron Man or Captain America?

Dumb question, Nate. Bane totally on Cap side. Even though Bane totally jealous of Iron Man suit (Bane look super-diesel in armor, not like gay knight. Bane also not wear helmet so Bane able to wink at hot trim as Bane fly by), Cap have right idea in wanting to not work for government. Bane do temp work at government job one time. It HORRIBLE experience. Bane need 7 different kind of ID to get in building, then have to fill out every form that come across Bane desk in triplicate. They not even have polar water. Bane have to drink from tap, and water never ice cold like Bane like. It government! How they not have Polar water? Clayface live in junkyard, and even HE have Polar water! Bane drink from tap at home, but Bane want some perk when Bane do work for stupid chudminers in society. Gov-jerk-ment also tell Bane to take off mask. That not happen unless Bane decide it happen (another reason Bane not like Iron Man. Bane radiate machismo when Bane not wear mask; mask give Bane aura of mystery with ladies), so Bane make up excuse that it lotion mask and Bane face ultra-dry. Straw that break camel back come when Bane told Garfield desk clock not appropriate for office. "People get distracted when clock say 'Is it time for lasagna?' every hour," they tell Bane. Bane get mad and say "Bullshit! It lasagna time right now!" Then Bane overturn desk and jump through window to leave. Window jump not such good idea in hindsight since Bane work on 5th floor. Bane get dislocated shoulder. Stupid government work.

So Bane totally with Cap. Even though he dress like Village People reject.

See you soon!

Tattoo You!

2006-06-02T15:16:00.000-04:00

Oh man, this SUCH bullshit!

So, Bane feel pretty good last night because Bane beat Sewer Shark WAY earlier than expected, so Bane get all hopped up on Venom and go out on town. Bane so hopped up on Venom that Bane finally suck it up and get tattoo that Bane always want. But jerk screw up tattoo!

Bane share a secret: Bane not so good around needles. YES, Bane have needles plugged in body to feed Venom, but they like telephone jack. Bane pass out around needle, and Bane pass out during tattoo. When Bane wake back up, Bane find out chode misspell "Attitude!" Bane not have "Attiude!" Bane not even know what is that!

Bane so angry Bane try to break artist back over knee, but knee too tender from tattoo, so Bane give jerkoff raincheck for pain and go to Taco Bell and take soft taco value meal off teenager and go home.

Bane stuck with misspelled tattoo forever. Oh well, at least Bane not have TRAMP STAMP! (SUPER L!O!L!Z!)

See you soon!

Memorial Bane!

2006-06-01T14:02:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone, was Memorial Day awesome like it was for Bane?

Bane start out weekend thinking nothing exciting going to happen. Bane expect to just cook few of half package of soy franks Bane find dropped outside grocery store (some sucker loss is gain for Bane! That rhyme L!O!L!Z!) on hot plate. Bane like to cook on hot plate because it allow Bane to drain hot dog water and save for cooking other stuff, like ramen noodle. Mmmm...Bane stomach getting growly from thinking about hot dog water ramen soup!

Anyhow, Bane relax, trying to get SegaCD to work (Sewer Shark!) when Bane remember that community pool open on Saturday! Bane run out of home so fast Bane leave Bane-shaped cloud sitting in front of SegaCD.

Bane get to pool and there line of people 40 deep that want in. Bane shove past all stupid pickledicks to front of line. Ticket jerk say Bane have to go to back of line. Bane laugh and tell doofus Bane on guest list. He say there no guest list, so Bane reach through window and break back over knee. Bane tell ticket guy "Bane guess ticket punk KNEED to check again!" Bane hyper-funny. When Bane on, it 24/7.

Bane spend ALL DAY at pool. Bane love to do cannonball off high dive, but this year there no high dive! Lifeguard say safety restriction make them take down high dive, so Bane jump off lifeguard chair. It good enough.

One thing Bane forget in hurry to go to pool: sunscreen! Bane get super-burned. Bane have tank top and mask line all over Bane face and upper body. Luckily, Bane cut-off jean short keep knee smooth and ready for action.

(NOTE: Yes, Bane wear tank top in water, but it mostly out of respect for other people. Bane not want to make them super-depressed that they not ripped like Bane when Bane take off shirt)

After fun in the sun (more rhyme time! L!O!L!Z! Bane on fire today!) Bane walk home and find case of expired Spaghetti O's in back of grocery where Bane find half pack of soy dogs! They say it not good to eat food after expiration date, but Bane think that date just a suggestion. It just another way to make people buy food sooner so company make more money off dumbasses. Bane have great rest of weekend recovering from sunburn and playing Sewer Shark. Actually, Bane on level 3 now. Bane hope to beat game by end of June!

Now, if Bane only had some hot dog water ramen soup, Bane say this best weekend ever.

See you soon!

Bane Not on Side of Milk Carton!

2006-05-19T14:18:00.000-04:00

Ugh. There day, and then there day.

Bane soooo excited about inclusion in Infinite Crisis and right after Bane post last post, Bane AOL dial-up connection go out! Bane get super mad and break complimentary AOL mousepad over knee. This took very long time since neoprene not want to break, but Bane very determined.

After Bane teach mousepad lesson, Bane call AOL. They check out problem and say it on Bane end, not AOL fault. "You make Internet," Bane tell pickledick on phone, "it AOL fault if Bane not able to reach it!" Man call Bane crazy and hang up on Bane. It no Bane fault AOL stupid! Bane decide to go to Manhattan and teach AOL lesson.

Bane get to AOL in New York by Rockefeller Center, and about to teach some lesson over Bane strong knee, when Bane totally see Regis Philbin! Bane big fan of Regis. Bane only get four channel on rabbit ear, and ABC one of them (Bane not understand what everyone see in Lost though. Why Others not just kill stupid plane jerks? Anybody who let Party of Five cast member lead them not deserve cool island). So Bane walk up to Regis and tell Regis Bane big fan. He say thanks, and Bane tell him Bane should guest host some time. He laugh, and Bane smash trash can and tell Regis Bane serious. Regis get scared. Bane tell Regis to no get scared then tell Regis to watch Bane interview. Bane grab random woman and say "Hey lady, what you do?" She smack Bane and run away. It not Bane fault that lady not good interview. When Bane turn around, Regis gone! Stupid lady. If Bane ever see lady again, Bane intervew her...into traction! L!O!L!Z!

So Bane get to AOL and demand Internet. They tell Bane they no do that there. Bane grab refrigerator and threaten to eat all people lunch if they not give Bane Internet. They not budge. Bane find some tech geek and challenge him to push up contest and tell geek if Bane win, he give Bane Internet. He say he not able to do that, so Bane break back of geek. Bane about to TAKE Internet when someone throw SNAKE AT BANE! Who have snake in Internet building? Bane freak out and run from office. It turn out snake just rubber snake and apparently jerk read Bane Blog. If you read, snake jerk, you better watch back! Bane coming to break it!

It turn out, after all that, there actually mouse that live in Bane computer that live there since Bane find computer in trash. It chew on modem and ruin circuits before it die. Mouse lucky technology kill it or else Bane kill it WORSE.

Bane have new modem. It actually faster than other modem. Bane know reader probably not believe it, but modem go at 56k! That CRAZY FAST! Watch out Internet, Bane coming full speed!

See you soon!

Who THAT handsome devil?!?!

2006-05-03T16:03:00.000-04:00

Anyone pick up Infinite Crisis #7?

IT BANE! ON COMIC COVER!

Oh man, Bane have great time in super-battle! Bane also pop up in Villains United: Infinite Crisis Special last week. Bane share page with Doomsday in that book. Bane hear big thing about Doomsday back in 90s, but Bane no meet him until recently. He kind of creep Bane out; smell like mix of used underwear and scuzzy water on inside of old tire. He always ask Bane for number of Bane agent, but Bane just say Bane leave number at home. Bane not even want to break Doomsday back. Bane just not want near him. He breathe through mouth and randomly cry. Bane think it because he bald. Doomsday need fresh head of hair like Bane. You no see Bane fresh head of hair because Bane always wear sweet mask. Some thing Bane like to keep for self.

You want Bane autograph on book? Just e-mail Bane and Bane give you address. You send copy of book and $15 and Bane autograph! (Bane not make any personal. What, you think Bane made of time???)

See you soon!

ID Thief!

2006-05-01T11:25:00.000-04:00

Sorry so long between posts. Bane have good reason, that everyone understand soon...plus, AOL dial-up service keep acting wonky. Bane keep calling and threatening dozen of back break, but people think Bane just kidding. Stupid carbunkle at AOL obviously never see Bane strong knee.

Bane super angry today. Bane throw chair through wall if Bane have money to fix wall. Bane no like drafty room. All this because Bane victim of identity theft. Someone use Bane credit card to purchase stupid crap at Big Lots and Ikea. Bane no even LIKE Ikea! Bane hate everything from Sweden since Bane find out Swedish Fish not actually fish from Sweden. Bane spend BIG MONEY and get huge fish sent from Sweden. Bane think it going to be delicious Swedish Fish, but it taste like regular fish! Bane call Swiss embassy and they laugh at Bane. That why Bane hate Sweden. Also, Bane like strong masonry, not flimsy wood, and Bane no able to pronounce anything at Ikea. Bane think company invent words.

Anyway, Bane get call from credit card company asking about purchase from Big Lots and Ikea and Bane no go those places. "Very sorry Bane," man say on phone, "but we may have case of Identity Theft."

Why people steal from Bane? That not way it supposed to happen! Bane supposed to steal from people. Bane steal happiness, candy, money, and ability to walk from people. That how world work! "Why store no ask for ID with card," Bane ask. "Bane wear sweet mask! Bane write in big letters 'Ask ID, pickledick!' on back of card!"

"Sorry, Bane," guy tell Bane, "they take card number, not card, then call order in. People get number stolen often at porno site online. Bane, you go to porno site?" Bane tell jerk "Of course not (Bane lie about this, but it small matter)," and threaten to break company in half. They put card on hold.

Bane go to computer and see website from last week: www.chubbytitsuxxx.ch. Bane do little research (Batman not ONLY detective in mask!) and find out ".ch" what Swedish people use for website! It Swiss porn. Swedish trick Bane with naked women and take credit card number while Bane...do stuff. Reader no need know what Bane do in free time.

Bane think Swiss out to get Bane. Bane show them all soon. When Bane back on top, Bane punch big hole in Switzerland and it fall into Earth. Then Bane watch and laugh with big box of Swedish Fish.

Now Bane try find out why Swiss charge $750 at Big Lots and only buy bunch of rubber snake. BANE NO WANT TO OWN SNAKE!!!

See you soon.

Every Day is Exactly the Bane!

2006-04-25T14:27:00.000-04:00

Oh man! Bane just see new video from NIN! It soooo rad.

Bane not know why Trent Razor want to scrap video, Bane think it amazing. Bane want to have space station weight room. Bane never stop doing chin-up if Bane have no gravity! Bane just want weight room. Right now Bane work out with old cinder block and rusty bucket Bane fill with water to make heavy. But Bane get sweet pump from what Bane have. Just imagine how shredder Bane look if Bane have space gym! Bane have to give all Bane muscle mask just like Bane wear on face because all muscle become so awesome!

Bane promise update on Cannibal Corpse show soon. Bane not forget. Nobody believe Bane when Bane weave stupendous tale of show.

See you soon!

Cannibal Corpse!!!

2006-04-21T15:36:00.000-04:00

BANE SUPER PUMPED!

Bane going to see Bane favorite band Saturday - CANNIBAL CORPSE! It going to be six-sided awesome! In fact Bane just do 27 push-up after saying name of band (Bane say everything Bane type while Bane type)! Bane remember when Bane hear Cannibal Corpse for first time. Bane just break open Arkham Asylum and in process, Bane tape of Ugly Kid Joe break. Bane get so angry Bane take extra 5 hit of Venom and then punch through pidgeon. Right after, KGBeast say "Hey Bane, Ugly Kid Joe suck. Check out this band" and hand me CC tape. Bane so blown away! Bane stay up to all hour of night playing Genesis and listen to Cannibal Corpse mixtape. Bane favorite totally Force Fed Broken Glass because Bane feel like that a lot. Bane take too much crap because self help book Bane steal from Salvation Army say Bane need to turn other cheek. Too much anger make Bane constipate. You no want to see Bane toilet with Venom shits after intestine loosen up. YUCK! (LOLZ!)

Bane let you know how concert go. See you soon!

The Write Stuff!

2006-04-18T11:58:00.000-04:00

Oh man, Bane been super-busy finishing up some writing! Bane probably shouldn't tell Internet yet, but oh well: Bane writing screenplay. It totally awesome screenplay that will make tons of money. Screenplay called Butterfly Justice. It about cop about to retire from police force. Cop say "Hey, hope nothing happen on duty this week! I want to retire!" But something happen: crook steal every butterfly from aviary at zoo. Cop go to investigate and find butterfly get replaced with flying razorblade! Razorblade totally cut up cop. It cut retirement cop eye right out of head (Bane not have name for retiring cop yet so Bane just call him Hey Cop), and cop wake up in hospital a week after he supposed to retire. Cops say "Hey Cop, go retire, we do some avenging," but Hey Cop say "No, it time for some Butterfly Justice." That where the name of film come from. Hey Cop say it a bunch more time in movie so people know what they see.

Meanwhile, bunch of robberies happening where butterfly come in and fly away with money! People try to stop butterfly but they get electrocuted when they touch butterfly. Hey Cop go do real investigating, and he find where butterfly fly to: huge invisible cave in mountain! Only Hey Cop can see it because Hey Cop eye get slashed out and now he have special vision power. Hey Cop go to cave, and find out that villain really a baby! Baby say he hate butterfly and show he Siamese twin, but other twin dead! He say brother died choking on butterfly net, and now he want show world that butterfly suck. He plan on replacing all butterfly with razorblade and make all butterfly steal all world money so they look bad. Hey Cop say "it time for Butterfly Justice" and shoot baby! But baby shoot electric out of eye and electrocute Hey Cop other eye right out of socket! "What you do now, Hey Cop, you no see baby anymore," baby tell cop, but Hey Cop say, "No need to see you with eye, Hey Cop see you with Butterfly Justice!" and punch through baby head! Baby die. It turn out that Hey Cop had fake eye in socket; real eye hiding behind fake one. Hey Cop release all butterfly on mountain and accept death of partner (that happen before movie. Bane go back and write flashback later).

What you think? Bane no need to really ask. Bane know it AWESOME. Bane bet reader face just melted onto keyboard and reader have to clean up face from between asdf! It okay, sometime Bane so awesome even Bane amazed. Bane have nibble from different independent production company, so finger crossed! Soon Bane own giant mansion with pool in shape of Bane bicep!

See you soon!

Bane HATE Crocodile!

2006-04-11T11:49:00.000-04:00

Okay, Bane MAD! Some reader send Bane link, and it make Bane blood SIZZLE!!! Bane go out back and punch cinder block for 2 hour after reading blog.

Killer Croc total jerk. He think he sooooo cool with bootleg DVD business. He say it lucrative market, and Batman too busy catching Joker to worry about crocodile in movie theatre with camcorder. It not like he good at filming anyway. Bane see copy of "Failure To Launch" Croc film (Bane big SJP fan. She so sexy and funny on "Sex City" show!) and camera work all shaky. If Bane take Venom and watch, Bane probably pass out! Croc say it only because I see five minute of film before Best Buy worker make Bane leave (OH, SO SORRY Best Buy! Bane no have DVD player at home! You SOOOO much better than Bane!), but Bane say it because of stupid crocodile fingers.

He total two-face. Not THAT Two-Face, cheddarball! He two-face. Last week he stop over to Bane house and ask to borrow copy of Greendog: The Beached Surfer Dude for Genesis, and thank Bane for being good guy. Then he tell people it his copy of game and he never come to Bane house because Bane suck! Bane get so mad Bane go to Croc place and take game back and break Croc favorite snowglobe over knee. Bane get home to play game and find out Croc switch out game chip inside cartridge with Batman Forever! That game worst Genesis game EVER! Bane want to be bad guy and break Batman, but game only let Bane be Batman or Robin! Ugh! And Bane not even in game! How video game leave out Bane? Riddler in game, but show of hand, Riddler, who break Batman back over strong knee? Oh, Bane only see Bane hand in air! This game stupid.

Killer Croc get what coming to him. Bane so sick of his crap. Bane not even know why he still call himself "Killer" Croc. Regular crocodile kill more people than Killer Croc; Bane say he change name to "Underachiever Croc" because that what he is. But that not matter because Bane going to take out Killer Croc. Bane watch "Crocodile Hunter" movie! Scared? Bane angry now, and when Bane angry, stuff break over Bane knee.

See you soon.

Freaky Friday!

2006-04-07T10:49:00.000-04:00

Ahhh, Friday at last. Bane thought week would never end. Wednesday Bane wake up and think, "Oh it Thursday, tomorrow Friday," but it NOT Thursday! Bane SOOO angry when Bane realize Bane wrong, Bane punch iguana cage and dent chicken wire real bad. Then Bane realize Bane need chill pill. Bane have Venom and feel better.

Bane plan to spend weekend in underwear with half bag of Andy Capp Chili Cheese Salsa Fries Bane save for past few weeks while Bane try to get Sega CD to work so Bane able to play Eternal Champions: Challengers from the Dark Side. Bane SO SURE Sega CD wave of future in 90s. Bane LOVE Sewer Shark and Night Trap SO MUCH. Night Trap teach Bane how to get ladies. Who say video game so bad for people? Well, maybe Batman: Bane play Eternal Champions to pump up Bane before Bane break Batman. It bring back many memory. Good times, good times.

What you do with your weekend? Bane know it not as cool as anything Bane do, but Bane want to know! Leave comment.

See you soon!

Snakes on a Bane!

2006-04-06T12:21:00.000-04:00

Oh no, Bane just see trailer for new Sam Jackson movie. It called "Snakes on a Plane." This sound very creepy to Bane. Bane no like snake. Snake and Bane natural adversary. Most think Batman and Bane natural adversary, but snake come before Batman.

One day when Bane just little Bane, Bane find small pile of awesome broken glass. Glass many different color, and excite Bane, since Bane family very poor and no can afford glass. All our liquid kept in skein made of old rubber glove and dog skin. Bane try to grab glass to play with when Bane hear rattle. "Who there, a baby?" Bane ask, but no reply. "This glass belong to Bane, baby," I said. "You take stupid rattle and go home or Bane crack baby back over knee" (Bane not strong enough to break back over knee. Bane still learning).

Rattle no stop at magnificent Bane threat, so Bane just go for glass again. Bane put broken glass in pants to carry home when snake jump out of grass beside glass and bite Bane! Bane get very angry and drop glass. Then Bane grab snake and try to crack snake back over knee. SNAKE NO CRACK, SNAKE JUST WRAP AROUND BANE KNEE AND BITE BANE IN LEG! This crazy to Bane! Bane never know anything Bane could no break or crack over knee before snake! Bane run away, and now Bane still avoid snake.

Bane not interested in seeing Sam Jackson movie, even though he see all Sam Jackson movie before. Bane have favorite Sam Jackson movie, it called "The Man." Oh wow, it sooooooo funny! Bane get kick to see Sam Jackson be so mad at crazy brillo hair white man be all "I black, homey! I bad ass man too!" L!O!L!Z! But snake and Bane? Not very fun thing for Bane to mix.

See you soon!

SPAM!

2006-04-05T13:50:00.000-04:00

Bane get e-mail. Bane get ton of e-mail at sweet G-Mail address. Bane have to thank KGBeast for G-Mail invite, because Bane not big fan of Hotmail. Bane get lot of spam at Hotmail account.

At first, Bane not understand spam. Bane think Bane get e-mail from new villain Shivering O. Waxing. Bane think "hm, interesting. Bane could see team-up in near future with Shiv. Maybe after robbery, Bane and Shiv go out for chicken wing." But Bane very confused at offer about size of Bane penis. "Hey, get that pencil dick thick and heavy 30 seconds guaranteed!" Bane get very mad at Shiv. Here some new super-villain challenging Bane wang? Very brave! Shiv never see Bane wang! Bane wang HUGE. Bane pee muscle just as big as other Bane muscles. Yes, Bane see impression on reader face. Bane have sex three time and all women and women all say "Bane so big and huge!"

Bane go out on town and hunt down Shivering O. Waxing. Bane shakedown hotspots across town. Eventually Bane so angry Bane need Hot Pocket to relax. Bane check e-mail again and find more e-mail about same thing. This make Bane VERY mad, so Bane start polishing knee for good breaking, but Bane notice weird name for many e-mail, like Re:[6] :), and Bane not know any alien. Bane eventually learn that just advertisement e-mail from annoying Spambot. There no Shivering O. Waxing! Bane feel a little better, but rest assured, when Bane find Spambot, Bane break Spambot like thousand Batmans. Bane hate robots.

E-mail Bane at talktobane @ gmail.com. But not spam. If you know where Spambot live, tell Bane. Bane buy Ham N Cheese Hot Pocket for reward. Don't deny delicious offer!

See you soon!

Blog to the Future!

2006-04-04T11:45:00.000-04:00

Hello again, readers, Bane back!

Bane sorry Bane not update over past couple days. Bane very busy at new temp job. "Temp job?" you ask Bane. "Bane not need temp job! Bane have strong knees and sweet mask!" Ha ha, that what Bane say at first as well. But soon Bane realize that Bane need money somehow and this easiest way to do it and still allow Bane time to audition and write.

Recently Bane work at major credit card company. Bane knew job not last long when Bane show up on first day in best dress clothes and contact person say "Uhm, that best clothing in closet?" Listen, cheddarfuck, Bane have nice short-sleeved white shirt and Garfield tie (Garfield tie have Garfield whacking Odie with newspaper. Man, Odie SO stupid!). Apparently Garfield not COOL enough for corporate America! Anyhoo, Bane then get asked "What the deal with mask?" Bane tell person that Bane not need to explain awesome mask to them. Office jerk say it not part of proper office attire. Bane tell office jerk Bane fist in office jerk butthole not proper either. Subject dropped. Bane and mask = 1, stupid office jerk = 0.

Bane crunch numbers for hours, then Bane hear people singing "Happy Birthday." Bane walk over to start singing and office people all stop singing. Office jerk come over and tell Bane that temps not allowed to join in office festivities. Bane get angry and break birthday cake over knee. Bane love cake, so it hurt Bane a LOT to break delicious cake over knee, but Bane had to make point. Then Bane go back to cube and finish Ramen noodles.

Second day Bane come back and office jerk tell Bane that Bane on thin ice with company. Bane need to know how to behave. Bane not like being told how to act, but Bane keep mouth shut for time being. After several hours of looking at customer files, Bane get headache and go to break room. Bane look for lunch in refridgerator (peanut butter and mayonaise sandwich with can of tuna...YUM!), but Bane not see lunch. Someone steal lunch of Bane! Bane get very angry and throw fridge through wall. Office jerk see all this and fire Bane on spot. Bane not care. Bane think office jerk steal Bane lunch anyhow, since Bane swear Bane smell mayo on office jerk breath when he fire Bane.

So Bane make a few dollars to pay for dial-up service and keep electricity on in house. Bane no office monkey, though. Bane a big star. Bane know that this time for paying dues, and after dues paid, Bane get paid. Bane get paid real good, then Bane buy awesome stuff like roll-up piano. Then Bane able to compose ANYWHERE score to screenplay Bane writing. Bane get much more done that way.

See you soon!

PopoWOW!

2006-03-30T11:07:00.000-05:00

Bane big music fan. Bane have huge cassette collection. Bane mostly listen to hard rock. Here Bane favorite bands:

-KoRn
-Metallica
-Cannibal Corpse!!! (OH MAN THEY PUMP UP BANE SOOOO HARD!)
-Coal Chamber

But once in while there song so hot that not metal, even Bane unable to ignore. Bane favorite new song little ditty called "PopoZão."

Oh man, tribal beat and crazy Internet guy dancing to song make Bane get all crazy! Bane not know who is K-Fed, but now Bane very excited to hear rest of work. Bane look all over for tape of K-Fed work, but Bane not find anything. Music store clerk laugh at Bane for asking for tape of K-Fed, which made Bane very angry, but Bane show restraint. Instead of breaking back, Bane break spine of Clap Hands Yeah CD clerk have in hand (Bane not completely know name of band because it dumb name. Who call band such dumb name? If Bane have band, Bane would call band "Bane and the Blades!" or "KillBane!" or something cool. Who in band that dumb, Killer Croc?). Then Bane point and say "that have symbolism. Think about it."

Bane think there big career ahead for K-Fed. Bane hear lot of talent in song. Bane agree with crazy Internet guy dancing when he say song "Fire!" It totally fire. Bane play this song for right girl, Bane guarantee Bane go home with girl.

PopoZão you soon!

Sucker for Stagetime!

2006-03-29T11:34:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone, Bane want to thank people who came to see Bane in Odd Couple last weekend at Outer Gotham Regional Fire Hall. Bane appreciate support very much.

Bane originally get role of Oscar when Bane try out, but Bane no interested in being typecast, so Bane break director back over strong knee until director cast Bane as Felix. Bane play thug or slob too many time in regional theatre and Bane no want audience sick of Bane before Bane get to big-time stage!

It very awkward to play character so neat, but Bane do very well. Night of show, Bane add flourish like wearing frilly apron and talking like gay to show Bane can play gay, because Bane hear casting agent for Queer As Folk in audience. (*NOTE* Bane no gay. Bane straight. REAL STRAIGHT. Killer Croc, though, Bane no sure. He keep very neat sewer den, and most gays have very clean stuff) Director not too happy with Bane adding stuff on night of show and not telling him, but Bane just point at knee and nod and director understand.

Bane hoping to see great review of show in Sunday paper, but paper only have stupid stuff in it, like "Why play Felix gay? Who cast big, dumb, mask guy in role of Felix? Why Felix keep saying own name over and over? This very bad play!" Hey, carbunkle, you no blame Bane for bad show! Blame stupid writer! Neil Simon? What a dumb name! It no Bane fault Mr. No Last Name not write anything good for Bane to play with on stage. Bane need depth, something to chew on, not just "Oh, Felix sad Felix wife left Felix. Oh, Oscar, stop putting feet on table!" And what wrong with putting feet on table anyhow? Bane put feet on table. Well, Bane would, if Bane had table. Bane only have TV dinner tray on two bricks in front of couch, but it good enough for Bane.

Anyhow, Bane say thank you for support! Come see Bane again when Bane in new play!

See you soon!

Infinite Crapsis!

2006-03-28T10:56:00.000-05:00

Since Bane get sweet new dial up service, Bane see there many websites dedicated to talking about comic books. Websites have many people with many opinions, most of which very stupid if you ask Bane. However, Bane see many mentions of Infinite Crisis and how Batman involved (you know, the man Bane broke back of???), so Bane go check it out.

BANE. VERY. ANGRY.

There whole situation going on with super-villains uniting and this first time Bane hear about it? What, just because Bane phone disconnected for several month, suddenly Lex Luthor no interested in Bane and his back-breaking knees? Oooo, so sorry Lex Luthor, Bane no have money like you! Bane not able to afford CELL PHONE! Society call crazy-ass Shadow Thief but not Bane? It not like they not know how to find Bane. Deathstroke find Catman (CAT! FUCKING! MAN! Give Bane a break!) in Africa! Bane live in small place in New York, America!

Bane very offended by non-gesture. Bane going to start OWN Secret Society! Bane call it Bane Super Hang-Out Back Break Squad! Bane have Venom and strong knees! Bane looking for others to join up. If you interested in Bane Super Hang-Out Back Break Squad (BSHOBBS!) leave good comment. Maybe Bane like it and you and Bane go out for chicken wings and you tell Bane in person why you need to be on squad.

See you soon!

It Monday!

2006-03-27T11:21:00.000-05:00

Bane hate Mondays. You know who else hate Mondays? Bane favorite fat cat, Garfield!

Garfield very funny cat. He always know something to say or do when Jon being pickledick. This one strip Jon give Garfield shirt (cats with shirts? LOL!) that say "Wide Load" on it. In next panel, shirt is sticking out Jon mouth and ears. HA HA HA! Oh man, Bane wanted to do that to Killer Croc when Bane find out Croc sell Bane fake Pelle Pelle shirt. Ten bucks such good deal Bane not realize that there only one 'l' in each word on shirt. Bane not want to wear Pele Pele shirt. That stupid.

Anyway, Bane like Garfiled alot, but Bane not sure Bane would want cat like Garfield. If cat gave Bane lip Bane would punch cat in butthole so hard it make cat intestine go straight and fly out cat mouth like fleshy grapple hook. Bane not think it would ever come to that though. Bane think Garfield and Bane would have plenty good times whacking spiders with newspapers and eating lasagna (when Bane can afford it, Bane not made of money).

See you soon!

Hello Internet!

2006-03-24T12:48:00.000-05:00

Hi Internet! This Bane. Bane very excited to join up to Internet.

To be honest, Bane didn't think Internet would be around long; just seemed like "fad" when Bane first hear about it. Besides, Bane very busy hurting Batman at the time (perhaps you heard???). But now Bane just get AOL dial-up service and VERY excited about possiblities. There SO MUCH to see on computer! Bane saw this one videos with some kid dancing around like he in Star Wars but he really just a fat kid. SO FUNNY! Bane also see Bud Dwyer shoot himself. It make Bane miss family back in South America.

Okay, Bane need to go check on lunch. Hot Pocket wait for no man, even if that man Bane.

See you soon!