Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Bane Superstar!

So Bane not around for while. Big deal, chill out pickledick. Bane have awesome new thing coming up! Bane going to appear at New York Comic Con! Two jerk that have show there ask Bane to make video. Bane say "okay, but it not Bane fault when Bane have best thing on show!" Then Bane laugh until jerk hang up phone. Bane LOVE that one!

Show at NY Jedi stage Friday @ 5PM, Saturday @ 11AM, Sunday @11AM. Come over watch Bane video. Then tell every nerd that Bane need TV show! Actually, Bane just want pitch meeting; Bane have bunch of great idea for TV show.

Bane probably not be at Con in person. Bane hate restroom line. Bane need bathroom access all day. Bane have to drain Venom sack often, if reader catch Bane drift.

See you soon!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

The Bane of Bane Existence!

Ugh. Okay, it over.

Look, Bane know Bane not been around in while. Thing is...okay, Bane come out and say it: Bane real hard up for money. So Bane take to road to promote appearance in Infinite Crisis #7. Bane should have gone closer to release date, because no one really care. Bane go from comic book store to comic book store to show people Bane still tough like old leather glove, but no one care! *SIGH*

Bane stuck in Iowa for entire month! Bane run out of money and not able to pay for dinner at little cafe. They turn down Bane credit card too. Bane so mad Bane headbutt rotating pie case and it shatter. So now Bane have to wash dish to pay for dinner AND pie case. Bane wash so many dish, Bane think Bane ACTUAL dish, like in Beauty And Beast! LOL! Not really!

Bane get by at night sleeping in parking lot and eating runoff from grease dumpster. One day Bane manager yell at Bane for eating candle in kitchen (Bane not care, Bane love candle. One time Bane make birthday cake out of birthday candle, and YUM!). Bane get mad, hold manager sideways, and slam door on manager waist. He split in half! Bane then begin walking to home. It took long time. Bane finally back.

Sorry to keep readers waiting. Bane have e-mail to answer, and Bane answer them soon. Right now, Bane still have half bag of Andy Capp fries Bane left in August!

See you soon!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


Okay, look, Bane flattered people want to dress up like Bane, but come on. If squirrel nuts want copy Bane look, where his rippage? Guy just big boned. Bane muscle have muscle. Those muscle have mask like one Bane wear on face. This guy have sweet costume, but Bane not see bi, tri, delt, pec...Bane not see nothing! Bane train hard with rusty water bucket and old brick in backyard everyday so Bane look hot to death.

Bane find photo from this guy.

See you soon!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Crapman and Robin!

Ugh.  Bane not proud.

Bane in Circuit City yesterday so Bane check out tracklisting on new Cannibal Corpse album. Then Bane see copy of Batman & Robin in sale bin on DVD. Bane not know WHY Bane sign off on stupid movie.

When studio get ready for movie, Bane SUPER HOT. Bane everywhere and everybody love Bane. Studio say "Bane, we make you BIG star! Bane villain of new Batman movie!" Bane say YES! and sign for big time pay. Bane say Bane want script approval and want ARNOLD for Bane. Arnold way shredder. Arnold play Bane like Terminator, but way hot with ladies. Studio say okay.

So there big party for movie and Bane get super-hammered on Cosmos. Bane have extra dose of Venom and get loopy. George Cloony walk past Bane, and Bane laugh at TV doctor and say Bane find out if he fix own broken back. But Bane really drunk and just throw up on Clooney. He not happy. Then director say hello and Bane tell him he super-fruity. "Bane smell fruit salad! Who want fruit salad! You gay!" All in all, Bane not make good impression. Icing on cake when Poison Ivy stop by and give screenwriter blowjob! Poison Ivy not even invited! Why she show up and give blowjob? Bane bet Ivy tounge feel like tree root.

So next thing Bane know, script get change and Bane not star bad guy. Bane now lame henchman. PLUS, Arnold now play Mr. Freeze! That SOOOO stupid! Bane bet that Clooney fault. That why Bane still not see Ocean's 11.

First couple day of shoot, Bane not say anything, then Bane come in with script re-write, and producer get mad at Bane for giving re-write to actors! It totally awesome stuff where Bane get cannon for arm and then Poison Ivy give Bane blowjob for whole year! It make Bane super-strong and Bane kill everything ever! Especially Batman! ROAR! Bane help writer make movie not stupid, but Bane told Bane not allowed on lot anymore. Bane get so mad Bane kick two tire off fruit director car. Take that, pickledick!

If Bane help make script change, movie would be awesome. Now it just turd that won't flush. Look at picture up top! Bane look like asshole! And Bane terrible character in story! Bane never shrivel! Bane stay rock-hard ALL DAY! Bane barely get any money from movie, since it not make enough to pay Bane on back-end deal. That why Bane now focus on writing independent feature from now on.

See you soon!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Ha ha, Garfield, it so TOTALLY true!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Movie Weekend!

Hey, what chucklenuts not tell Bane new Garfield movie out?

Bane not aware of film since Bane not get cable and Bane not read newspaper or magazine, since both just propaganda.

Oh man, look at that poster! Two Garfield? Bane not trust Garfield with crown. He look shady. Bane bet that Garfield up to no good, but not fun no good like REAL Garfield. Watch out, Garfield!

Bane remember when first movie come out. Bane sit outside theatre overnight so Bane first one in theatre. It turn out bad though. First, theatre filled with baby! So many baby in theatre Bane get up right before previews and yell to all parent "Keep baby in line so Bane able to enjoy movie, or back meet Bane strong knee!" Someone throw Milk Dud at Bane so Bane pull chair out of floor at throw at back wall. It screw up projector and delay movie 20 minute. When film finally start, Bane keep having to move for stupid kid that have mini-bladder! Bane finally hand kid supersize cup and tell him to pee in cup or Bane hurt his face! THEN, Bane enjoying movie but people keep complaining because Bane laugh too loud, or Bane keep talking back at screen. "Stop yelling 'Watch out Garfield!'" one jerk yell. Bane not find out who was it, but Bane get boot from theatre for being too loud! Such bullshit! Bane want to help Garfield, and Bane get lost in plot! Bane finally see movie on VHS and like it. But Bane bet sequel even better! Sequel always better than original.

See you at movies!

Friday, June 16, 2006

Killer Croc Going To Be Killed Croc!

Okay, Bane fed up!

Every time Bane think Killer Croc turn corner, not such bad guy anymore, he screw Bane again. Bane sick of it.

The other day Killer Croc come over to see what VHS tape Bane find in trash recently (can someone say Red Dawn? Score one for Bane!), when he tell Bane he have something super cool to sell Bane! Bane not believe him, but then he pull out something crazy: Green Lantern power ring!

Holy crap, Bane not believe it! Actually, Bane NOT believe it. Croc say that because of Infinite Crisis Green Lanterns all confused and lots of rings floating around from dead Green Lantern. It sound convincing enough, plus Bane favorite color green. It bring out sparkle in Bane handsome eye. So Bane pull $75 out of special money hiding place and buy ring. That lot of money for Bane, but Bane think it a steal for something so powerful. Croc take money and then say he forget about meeting with Orca and have to run.

After he leave, Bane try ring on. Bane try making waffle iron with ring, because Bane love waffle. Nothing happen! It turn out to be plastic! Then Bane realize Orca dead, Croc know it plastic! Son of bitch!

Croc real douche!

Bane not able to find Killer Croc anywhere. Now Bane out $75 and not have any waffle.

Sometime you wake up Garfield, sometime you wake up Nermal.

See you soon.