Friday, May 19, 2006

Bane Not on Side of Milk Carton!

Ugh. There day, and then there day.

Bane soooo excited about inclusion in Infinite Crisis and right after Bane post last post, Bane AOL dial-up connection go out! Bane get super mad and break complimentary AOL mousepad over knee. This took very long time since neoprene not want to break, but Bane very determined.

After Bane teach mousepad lesson, Bane call AOL. They check out problem and say it on Bane end, not AOL fault. "You make Internet," Bane tell pickledick on phone, "it AOL fault if Bane not able to reach it!" Man call Bane crazy and hang up on Bane. It no Bane fault AOL stupid! Bane decide to go to Manhattan and teach AOL lesson.

Bane get to AOL in New York by Rockefeller Center, and about to teach some lesson over Bane strong knee, when Bane totally see Regis Philbin! Bane big fan of Regis. Bane only get four channel on rabbit ear, and ABC one of them (Bane not understand what everyone see in Lost though. Why Others not just kill stupid plane jerks? Anybody who let Party of Five cast member lead them not deserve cool island). So Bane walk up to Regis and tell Regis Bane big fan. He say thanks, and Bane tell him Bane should guest host some time. He laugh, and Bane smash trash can and tell Regis Bane serious. Regis get scared. Bane tell Regis to no get scared then tell Regis to watch Bane interview. Bane grab random woman and say "Hey lady, what you do?" She smack Bane and run away. It not Bane fault that lady not good interview. When Bane turn around, Regis gone! Stupid lady. If Bane ever see lady again, Bane intervew her...into traction! L!O!L!Z!

So Bane get to AOL and demand Internet. They tell Bane they no do that there. Bane grab refrigerator and threaten to eat all people lunch if they not give Bane Internet. They not budge. Bane find some tech geek and challenge him to push up contest and tell geek if Bane win, he give Bane Internet. He say he not able to do that, so Bane break back of geek. Bane about to TAKE Internet when someone throw SNAKE AT BANE! Who have snake in Internet building? Bane freak out and run from office. It turn out snake just rubber snake and apparently jerk read Bane Blog. If you read, snake jerk, you better watch back! Bane coming to break it!

It turn out, after all that, there actually mouse that live in Bane computer that live there since Bane find computer in trash. It chew on modem and ruin circuits before it die. Mouse lucky technology kill it or else Bane kill it WORSE.

Bane have new modem. It actually faster than other modem. Bane know reader probably not believe it, but modem go at 56k! That CRAZY FAST! Watch out Internet, Bane coming full speed!

See you soon!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Who THAT handsome devil?!?!

Anyone pick up Infinite Crisis #7?



IT BANE! ON COMIC COVER!

Oh man, Bane have great time in super-battle! Bane also pop up in Villains United: Infinite Crisis Special last week. Bane share page with Doomsday in that book. Bane hear big thing about Doomsday back in 90s, but Bane no meet him until recently. He kind of creep Bane out; smell like mix of used underwear and scuzzy water on inside of old tire. He always ask Bane for number of Bane agent, but Bane just say Bane leave number at home. Bane not even want to break Doomsday back. Bane just not want near him. He breathe through mouth and randomly cry. Bane think it because he bald. Doomsday need fresh head of hair like Bane. You no see Bane fresh head of hair because Bane always wear sweet mask. Some thing Bane like to keep for self.

You want Bane autograph on book? Just e-mail Bane and Bane give you address. You send copy of book and $15 and Bane autograph! (Bane not make any personal. What, you think Bane made of time???)

See you soon!

Monday, May 01, 2006

ID Thief!

Sorry so long between posts. Bane have good reason, that everyone understand soon...plus, AOL dial-up service keep acting wonky. Bane keep calling and threatening dozen of back break, but people think Bane just kidding. Stupid carbunkle at AOL obviously never see Bane strong knee.

Bane super angry today. Bane throw chair through wall if Bane have money to fix wall. Bane no like drafty room. All this because Bane victim of identity theft. Someone use Bane credit card to purchase stupid crap at Big Lots and Ikea. Bane no even LIKE Ikea! Bane hate everything from Sweden since Bane find out Swedish Fish not actually fish from Sweden. Bane spend BIG MONEY and get huge fish sent from Sweden. Bane think it going to be delicious Swedish Fish, but it taste like regular fish! Bane call Swiss embassy and they laugh at Bane. That why Bane hate Sweden. Also, Bane like strong masonry, not flimsy wood, and Bane no able to pronounce anything at Ikea. Bane think company invent words.

Anyway, Bane get call from credit card company asking about purchase from Big Lots and Ikea and Bane no go those places. "Very sorry Bane," man say on phone, "but we may have case of Identity Theft."

Why people steal from Bane? That not way it supposed to happen! Bane supposed to steal from people. Bane steal happiness, candy, money, and ability to walk from people. That how world work! "Why store no ask for ID with card," Bane ask. "Bane wear sweet mask! Bane write in big letters 'Ask ID, pickledick!' on back of card!"

"Sorry, Bane," guy tell Bane, "they take card number, not card, then call order in. People get number stolen often at porno site online. Bane, you go to porno site?" Bane tell jerk "Of course not (Bane lie about this, but it small matter)," and threaten to break company in half. They put card on hold.

Bane go to computer and see website from last week: www.chubbytitsuxxx.ch. Bane do little research (Batman not ONLY detective in mask!) and find out ".ch" what Swedish people use for website! It Swiss porn. Swedish trick Bane with naked women and take credit card number while Bane...do stuff. Reader no need know what Bane do in free time.

Bane think Swiss out to get Bane. Bane show them all soon. When Bane back on top, Bane punch big hole in Switzerland and it fall into Earth. Then Bane watch and laugh with big box of Swedish Fish.

Now Bane try find out why Swiss charge $750 at Big Lots and only buy bunch of rubber snake. BANE NO WANT TO OWN SNAKE!!!

See you soon.