Every Day is Exactly the Bane!

Oh man! Bane just see new video from NIN! It soooo rad.



Bane not know why Trent Razor want to scrap video, Bane think it amazing. Bane want to have space station weight room. Bane never stop doing chin-up if Bane have no gravity! Bane just want weight room. Right now Bane work out with old cinder block and rusty bucket Bane fill with water to make heavy. But Bane get sweet pump from what Bane have. Just imagine how shredder Bane look if Bane have space gym! Bane have to give all Bane muscle mask just like Bane wear on face because all muscle become so awesome!

Bane promise update on Cannibal Corpse show soon. Bane not forget. Nobody believe Bane when Bane weave stupendous tale of show.

See you soon!

Cannibal Corpse!!!

BANE SUPER PUMPED!

Bane going to see Bane favorite band Saturday - CANNIBAL CORPSE! It going to be six-sided awesome! In fact Bane just do 27 push-up after saying name of band (Bane say everything Bane type while Bane type)! Bane remember when Bane hear Cannibal Corpse for first time. Bane just break open Arkham Asylum and in process, Bane tape of Ugly Kid Joe break. Bane get so angry Bane take extra 5 hit of Venom and then punch through pidgeon. Right after, KGBeast say "Hey Bane, Ugly Kid Joe suck. Check out this band" and hand me CC tape. Bane so blown away! Bane stay up to all hour of night playing Genesis and listen to Cannibal Corpse mixtape. Bane favorite totally Force Fed Broken Glass because Bane feel like that a lot. Bane take too much crap because self help book Bane steal from Salvation Army say Bane need to turn other cheek. Too much anger make Bane constipate. You no want to see Bane toilet with Venom shits after intestine loosen up. YUCK! (LOLZ!)

Bane let you know how concert go. See you soon!

The Write Stuff!

Oh man, Bane been super-busy finishing up some writing! Bane probably shouldn't tell Internet yet, but oh well: Bane writing screenplay. It totally awesome screenplay that will make tons of money. Screenplay called Butterfly Justice. It about cop about to retire from police force. Cop say "Hey, hope nothing happen on duty this week! I want to retire!" But something happen: crook steal every butterfly from aviary at zoo. Cop go to investigate and find butterfly get replaced with flying razorblade! Razorblade totally cut up cop. It cut retirement cop eye right out of head (Bane not have name for retiring cop yet so Bane just call him Hey Cop), and cop wake up in hospital a week after he supposed to retire. Cops say "Hey Cop, go retire, we do some avenging," but Hey Cop say "No, it time for some Butterfly Justice." That where the name of film come from. Hey Cop say it a bunch more time in movie so people know what they see.

Meanwhile, bunch of robberies happening where butterfly come in and fly away with money! People try to stop butterfly but they get electrocuted when they touch butterfly. Hey Cop go do real investigating, and he find where butterfly fly to: huge invisible cave in mountain! Only Hey Cop can see it because Hey Cop eye get slashed out and now he have special vision power. Hey Cop go to cave, and find out that villain really a baby! Baby say he hate butterfly and show he Siamese twin, but other twin dead! He say brother died choking on butterfly net, and now he want show world that butterfly suck. He plan on replacing all butterfly with razorblade and make all butterfly steal all world money so they look bad. Hey Cop say "it time for Butterfly Justice" and shoot baby! But baby shoot electric out of eye and electrocute Hey Cop other eye right out of socket! "What you do now, Hey Cop, you no see baby anymore," baby tell cop, but Hey Cop say, "No need to see you with eye, Hey Cop see you with Butterfly Justice!" and punch through baby head! Baby die. It turn out that Hey Cop had fake eye in socket; real eye hiding behind fake one. Hey Cop release all butterfly on mountain and accept death of partner (that happen before movie. Bane go back and write flashback later).

What you think? Bane no need to really ask. Bane know it AWESOME. Bane bet reader face just melted onto keyboard and reader have to clean up face from between asdf! It okay, sometime Bane so awesome even Bane amazed. Bane have nibble from different independent production company, so finger crossed! Soon Bane own giant mansion with pool in shape of Bane bicep!

See you soon!

Bane HATE Crocodile!

Okay, Bane MAD! Some reader send Bane link, and it make Bane blood SIZZLE!!! Bane go out back and punch cinder block for 2 hour after reading blog.

Killer Croc total jerk. He think he sooooo cool with bootleg DVD business. He say it lucrative market, and Batman too busy catching Joker to worry about crocodile in movie theatre with camcorder. It not like he good at filming anyway. Bane see copy of "Failure To Launch" Croc film (Bane big SJP fan. She so sexy and funny on "Sex City" show!) and camera work all shaky. If Bane take Venom and watch, Bane probably pass out! Croc say it only because I see five minute of film before Best Buy worker make Bane leave (OH, SO SORRY Best Buy! Bane no have DVD player at home! You SOOOO much better than Bane!), but Bane say it because of stupid crocodile fingers.

He total two-face. Not THAT Two-Face, cheddarball! He two-face. Last week he stop over to Bane house and ask to borrow copy of Greendog: The Beached Surfer Dude for Genesis, and thank Bane for being good guy. Then he tell people it his copy of game and he never come to Bane house because Bane suck! Bane get so mad Bane go to Croc place and take game back and break Croc favorite snowglobe over knee. Bane get home to play game and find out Croc switch out game chip inside cartridge with Batman Forever! That game worst Genesis game EVER! Bane want to be bad guy and break Batman, but game only let Bane be Batman or Robin! Ugh! And Bane not even in game! How video game leave out Bane? Riddler in game, but show of hand, Riddler, who break Batman back over strong knee? Oh, Bane only see Bane hand in air! This game stupid.

Killer Croc get what coming to him. Bane so sick of his crap. Bane not even know why he still call himself "Killer" Croc. Regular crocodile kill more people than Killer Croc; Bane say he change name to "Underachiever Croc" because that what he is. But that not matter because Bane going to take out Killer Croc. Bane watch "Crocodile Hunter" movie! Scared? Bane angry now, and when Bane angry, stuff break over Bane knee.

See you soon.

Freaky Friday!

Ahhh, Friday at last. Bane thought week would never end. Wednesday Bane wake up and think, "Oh it Thursday, tomorrow Friday," but it NOT Thursday! Bane SOOO angry when Bane realize Bane wrong, Bane punch iguana cage and dent chicken wire real bad. Then Bane realize Bane need chill pill. Bane have Venom and feel better.

Bane plan to spend weekend in underwear with half bag of Andy Capp Chili Cheese Salsa Fries Bane save for past few weeks while Bane try to get Sega CD to work so Bane able to play Eternal Champions: Challengers from the Dark Side. Bane SO SURE Sega CD wave of future in 90s. Bane LOVE Sewer Shark and Night Trap SO MUCH. Night Trap teach Bane how to get ladies. Who say video game so bad for people? Well, maybe Batman: Bane play Eternal Champions to pump up Bane before Bane break Batman. It bring back many memory. Good times, good times.

What you do with your weekend? Bane know it not as cool as anything Bane do, but Bane want to know! Leave comment.

See you soon!

Snakes on a Bane!

Oh no, Bane just see trailer for new Sam Jackson movie. It called "Snakes on a Plane." This sound very creepy to Bane. Bane no like snake. Snake and Bane natural adversary. Most think Batman and Bane natural adversary, but snake come before Batman.

One day when Bane just little Bane, Bane find small pile of awesome broken glass. Glass many different color, and excite Bane, since Bane family very poor and no can afford glass. All our liquid kept in skein made of old rubber glove and dog skin. Bane try to grab glass to play with when Bane hear rattle. "Who there, a baby?" Bane ask, but no reply. "This glass belong to Bane, baby," I said. "You take stupid rattle and go home or Bane crack baby back over knee" (Bane not strong enough to break back over knee. Bane still learning).

Rattle no stop at magnificent Bane threat, so Bane just go for glass again. Bane put broken glass in pants to carry home when snake jump out of grass beside glass and bite Bane! Bane get very angry and drop glass. Then Bane grab snake and try to crack snake back over knee. SNAKE NO CRACK, SNAKE JUST WRAP AROUND BANE KNEE AND BITE BANE IN LEG! This crazy to Bane! Bane never know anything Bane could no break or crack over knee before snake! Bane run away, and now Bane still avoid snake.

Bane not interested in seeing Sam Jackson movie, even though he see all Sam Jackson movie before. Bane have favorite Sam Jackson movie, it called "The Man." Oh wow, it sooooooo funny! Bane get kick to see Sam Jackson be so mad at crazy brillo hair white man be all "I black, homey! I bad ass man too!" L!O!L!Z! But snake and Bane? Not very fun thing for Bane to mix.

See you soon!

SPAM!

Bane get e-mail. Bane get ton of e-mail at sweet G-Mail address. Bane have to thank KGBeast for G-Mail invite, because Bane not big fan of Hotmail. Bane get lot of spam at Hotmail account.

At first, Bane not understand spam. Bane think Bane get e-mail from new villain Shivering O. Waxing. Bane think "hm, interesting. Bane could see team-up in near future with Shiv. Maybe after robbery, Bane and Shiv go out for chicken wing." But Bane very confused at offer about size of Bane penis. "Hey, get that pencil dick thick and heavy 30 seconds guaranteed!" Bane get very mad at Shiv. Here some new super-villain challenging Bane wang? Very brave! Shiv never see Bane wang! Bane wang HUGE. Bane pee muscle just as big as other Bane muscles. Yes, Bane see impression on reader face. Bane have sex three time and all women and women all say "Bane so big and huge!"

Bane go out on town and hunt down Shivering O. Waxing. Bane shakedown hotspots across town. Eventually Bane so angry Bane need Hot Pocket to relax. Bane check e-mail again and find more e-mail about same thing. This make Bane VERY mad, so Bane start polishing knee for good breaking, but Bane notice weird name for many e-mail, like Re:[6] :), and Bane not know any alien. Bane eventually learn that just advertisement e-mail from annoying Spambot. There no Shivering O. Waxing! Bane feel a little better, but rest assured, when Bane find Spambot, Bane break Spambot like thousand Batmans. Bane hate robots.

E-mail Bane at talktobane @ gmail.com. But not spam. If you know where Spambot live, tell Bane. Bane buy Ham N Cheese Hot Pocket for reward. Don't deny delicious offer!

See you soon!

Blog to the Future!

Hello again, readers, Bane back!

Bane sorry Bane not update over past couple days. Bane very busy at new temp job. "Temp job?" you ask Bane. "Bane not need temp job! Bane have strong knees and sweet mask!" Ha ha, that what Bane say at first as well. But soon Bane realize that Bane need money somehow and this easiest way to do it and still allow Bane time to audition and write.

Recently Bane work at major credit card company. Bane knew job not last long when Bane show up on first day in best dress clothes and contact person say "Uhm, that best clothing in closet?" Listen, cheddarfuck, Bane have nice short-sleeved white shirt and Garfield tie (Garfield tie have Garfield whacking Odie with newspaper. Man, Odie SO stupid!). Apparently Garfield not COOL enough for corporate America! Anyhoo, Bane then get asked "What the deal with mask?" Bane tell person that Bane not need to explain awesome mask to them. Office jerk say it not part of proper office attire. Bane tell office jerk Bane fist in office jerk butthole not proper either. Subject dropped. Bane and mask = 1, stupid office jerk = 0.

Bane crunch numbers for hours, then Bane hear people singing "Happy Birthday." Bane walk over to start singing and office people all stop singing. Office jerk come over and tell Bane that temps not allowed to join in office festivities. Bane get angry and break birthday cake over knee. Bane love cake, so it hurt Bane a LOT to break delicious cake over knee, but Bane had to make point. Then Bane go back to cube and finish Ramen noodles.

Second day Bane come back and office jerk tell Bane that Bane on thin ice with company. Bane need to know how to behave. Bane not like being told how to act, but Bane keep mouth shut for time being. After several hours of looking at customer files, Bane get headache and go to break room. Bane look for lunch in refridgerator (peanut butter and mayonaise sandwich with can of tuna...YUM!), but Bane not see lunch. Someone steal lunch of Bane! Bane get very angry and throw fridge through wall. Office jerk see all this and fire Bane on spot. Bane not care. Bane think office jerk steal Bane lunch anyhow, since Bane swear Bane smell mayo on office jerk breath when he fire Bane.

So Bane make a few dollars to pay for dial-up service and keep electricity on in house. Bane no office monkey, though. Bane a big star. Bane know that this time for paying dues, and after dues paid, Bane get paid. Bane get paid real good, then Bane buy awesome stuff like roll-up piano. Then Bane able to compose ANYWHERE score to screenplay Bane writing. Bane get much more done that way.

See you soon!