Movie Weekend!

Hey, what chucklenuts not tell Bane new Garfield movie out?



Bane not aware of film since Bane not get cable and Bane not read newspaper or magazine, since both just propaganda.

Oh man, look at that poster! Two Garfield? Bane not trust Garfield with crown. He look shady. Bane bet that Garfield up to no good, but not fun no good like REAL Garfield. Watch out, Garfield!

Bane remember when first movie come out. Bane sit outside theatre overnight so Bane first one in theatre. It turn out bad though. First, theatre filled with baby! So many baby in theatre Bane get up right before previews and yell to all parent "Keep baby in line so Bane able to enjoy movie, or back meet Bane strong knee!" Someone throw Milk Dud at Bane so Bane pull chair out of floor at throw at back wall. It screw up projector and delay movie 20 minute. When film finally start, Bane keep having to move for stupid kid that have mini-bladder! Bane finally hand kid supersize cup and tell him to pee in cup or Bane hurt his face! THEN, Bane enjoying movie but people keep complaining because Bane laugh too loud, or Bane keep talking back at screen. "Stop yelling 'Watch out Garfield!'" one jerk yell. Bane not find out who was it, but Bane get boot from theatre for being too loud! Such bullshit! Bane want to help Garfield, and Bane get lost in plot! Bane finally see movie on VHS and like it. But Bane bet sequel even better! Sequel always better than original.

See you at movies!

Killer Croc Going To Be Killed Croc!

Okay, Bane fed up!

Every time Bane think Killer Croc turn corner, not such bad guy anymore, he screw Bane again. Bane sick of it.

The other day Killer Croc come over to see what VHS tape Bane find in trash recently (can someone say Red Dawn? Score one for Bane!), when he tell Bane he have something super cool to sell Bane! Bane not believe him, but then he pull out something crazy: Green Lantern power ring!

Holy crap, Bane not believe it! Actually, Bane NOT believe it. Croc say that because of Infinite Crisis Green Lanterns all confused and lots of rings floating around from dead Green Lantern. It sound convincing enough, plus Bane favorite color green. It bring out sparkle in Bane handsome eye. So Bane pull $75 out of special money hiding place and buy ring. That lot of money for Bane, but Bane think it a steal for something so powerful. Croc take money and then say he forget about meeting with Orca and have to run.

After he leave, Bane try ring on. Bane try making waffle iron with ring, because Bane love waffle. Nothing happen! It turn out to be plastic! Then Bane realize Orca dead, Croc know it plastic! Son of bitch!



Bane not able to find Killer Croc anywhere. Now Bane out $75 and not have any waffle.

Sometime you wake up Garfield, sometime you wake up Nermal.

See you soon.

Civil Bore!

Bane get e-mail from poopdick name Nate. Nate ask Bane:

Are you with Iron Man or Captain America?

Dumb question, Nate. Bane totally on Cap side. Even though Bane totally jealous of Iron Man suit (Bane look super-diesel in armor, not like gay knight. Bane also not wear helmet so Bane able to wink at hot trim as Bane fly by), Cap have right idea in wanting to not work for government. Bane do temp work at government job one time. It HORRIBLE experience. Bane need 7 different kind of ID to get in building, then have to fill out every form that come across Bane desk in triplicate. They not even have polar water. Bane have to drink from tap, and water never ice cold like Bane like. It government! How they not have Polar water? Clayface live in junkyard, and even HE have Polar water! Bane drink from tap at home, but Bane want some perk when Bane do work for stupid chudminers in society. Gov-jerk-ment also tell Bane to take off mask. That not happen unless Bane decide it happen (another reason Bane not like Iron Man. Bane radiate machismo when Bane not wear mask; mask give Bane aura of mystery with ladies), so Bane make up excuse that it lotion mask and Bane face ultra-dry. Straw that break camel back come when Bane told Garfield desk clock not appropriate for office. "People get distracted when clock say 'Is it time for lasagna?' every hour," they tell Bane. Bane get mad and say "Bullshit! It lasagna time right now!" Then Bane overturn desk and jump through window to leave. Window jump not such good idea in hindsight since Bane work on 5th floor. Bane get dislocated shoulder. Stupid government work.

So Bane totally with Cap. Even though he dress like Village People reject.

See you soon!

Tattoo You!

Oh man, this SUCH bullshit!

So, Bane feel pretty good last night because Bane beat Sewer Shark WAY earlier than expected, so Bane get all hopped up on Venom and go out on town. Bane so hopped up on Venom that Bane finally suck it up and get tattoo that Bane always want. But jerk screw up tattoo!



Bane share a secret: Bane not so good around needles. YES, Bane have needles plugged in body to feed Venom, but they like telephone jack. Bane pass out around needle, and Bane pass out during tattoo. When Bane wake back up, Bane find out chode misspell "Attitude!" Bane not have "Attiude!" Bane not even know what is that!

Bane so angry Bane try to break artist back over knee, but knee too tender from tattoo, so Bane give jerkoff raincheck for pain and go to Taco Bell and take soft taco value meal off teenager and go home.

Bane stuck with misspelled tattoo forever. Oh well, at least Bane not have TRAMP STAMP! (SUPER L!O!L!Z!)

See you soon!

Memorial Bane!

Hey everyone, was Memorial Day awesome like it was for Bane?

Bane start out weekend thinking nothing exciting going to happen. Bane expect to just cook few of half package of soy franks Bane find dropped outside grocery store (some sucker loss is gain for Bane! That rhyme L!O!L!Z!) on hot plate. Bane like to cook on hot plate because it allow Bane to drain hot dog water and save for cooking other stuff, like ramen noodle. Mmmm...Bane stomach getting growly from thinking about hot dog water ramen soup!

Anyhow, Bane relax, trying to get SegaCD to work (Sewer Shark!) when Bane remember that community pool open on Saturday! Bane run out of home so fast Bane leave Bane-shaped cloud sitting in front of SegaCD.

Bane get to pool and there line of people 40 deep that want in. Bane shove past all stupid pickledicks to front of line. Ticket jerk say Bane have to go to back of line. Bane laugh and tell doofus Bane on guest list. He say there no guest list, so Bane reach through window and break back over knee. Bane tell ticket guy "Bane guess ticket punk KNEED to check again!" Bane hyper-funny. When Bane on, it 24/7.

Bane spend ALL DAY at pool. Bane love to do cannonball off high dive, but this year there no high dive! Lifeguard say safety restriction make them take down high dive, so Bane jump off lifeguard chair. It good enough.

One thing Bane forget in hurry to go to pool: sunscreen! Bane get super-burned. Bane have tank top and mask line all over Bane face and upper body. Luckily, Bane cut-off jean short keep knee smooth and ready for action.

(NOTE: Yes, Bane wear tank top in water, but it mostly out of respect for other people. Bane not want to make them super-depressed that they not ripped like Bane when Bane take off shirt)

After fun in the sun (more rhyme time! L!O!L!Z! Bane on fire today!) Bane walk home and find case of expired Spaghetti O's in back of grocery where Bane find half pack of soy dogs! They say it not good to eat food after expiration date, but Bane think that date just a suggestion. It just another way to make people buy food sooner so company make more money off dumbasses. Bane have great rest of weekend recovering from sunburn and playing Sewer Shark. Actually, Bane on level 3 now. Bane hope to beat game by end of June!

Now, if Bane only had some hot dog water ramen soup, Bane say this best weekend ever.

See you soon!